2003-02-11 : 10:13 a.m.
i feel at peace today and that is a good thing. but its still early and there is a lot of time left in the day. i hope today continues to be a good day. i took my first zoloft last night and i know its not that taking any effect yet - it takes awhile to work - but i think i just feel at peace because i finally went to get the help i needed. hopefully things can only go up from here. at least i hope so. i spend every day running around like a maniac w/ no organization or thought process happening about what i'm doing. if i'm, say, cleaning up the kitchen and take a dirty dish towel or something to the clothes hamper in the bathroom closet... i always forget about the kitchen and start doing something in the bathroom. by the end of the day, i'm half started a million things and not completed most of them and that eats at me and makes me feel useless, like i didn't do my "job". i am scattered like that, about everything in my life it seems like, but today hasn't been that way so far.

ryan and i talked a lot about new orleans this weekend. i'm proud of him but he is SO struggling w/ it i think. i know its going to bother him, piss him off, or whatever, about me going but his words were...he will be mad if i DON'T go. he understands and wants me to go, it just doesn't mean he exactly likes that idea. i'm just proud of him for trying and seeing my side and saying, i know you need to go, so go and have fun. and he told me that, that he hopes i have the best time down there w/ my friends. i am glad to be getting to meet all those girls, but i am the happiest about finally meeting gretchen , tree, melea, and shannon. i don't know what i'd do w/o those girls. they have truly helped keep me sane through some bad situations in the past few months. after them, i'm probably most excited to meet kerry, because i've known her since we were like 14 probably. and christine just because i love her and have always been able to talk to her. :) this will be sooo much fun... ryan has already said "i don't even want to look in your suitcase and see what clothes you're going to bring w/ you". ha. i snuck a card into his suitcase this week... it had a picture of an empty bed on the front w/ the covers pulled back and inside it said "its empty here w/o you". because it is. i miss falling asleep all cuddled up next to him. i miss him. i don't want to talk about ryan anymore right now. i am feeling good and don't want any reason to get upset at this moment. at least not weepy upset anyhow.

i talked to amanda some last night and that felt good. it was the first time we'd talked online since the big deal went down in december. it felt normal and we just talked like normal. i needed that. i think and hope that she is finally catching on to leah and the sort of friend she really can turn out to be...what happened between her and i is proof of that to anyone. amanda said that now she's upset because amanda and drew haven't altered their friendship w/me any, once they got over the initial hurt. well, they are mature and reasonable people and apparently leah is not. now i am talking about this, and i am getting pissed off. its just that i KNOW leah, and because she thinks no one knows her dirty deeds, she is miss superior and high and mighty and THAT is what i cannot stand. as i keep saying, i just want to hear it.

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