What Cheryl Has To Say

apiscesgirl

2003-02-06 : 4:24 p.m.

well, i feel a little better right now because i now have myself a dr appt for this monday. the nurse and receptionist tried to give me an appt for like the 20something of feb, then she asked if that was okay and i just started crying again. so she knew, that it wasn't okay. because its not. i can't wait that long. :( today has still not been a good day though. i am weepy and emotional over things i shouldn't be. and its HARD crying. it shakes your body. once i get started i just keep going. i asked miss melissa at school about some babysitters. she forgot but said she'd get me a good list over the weekend of some people and places i could call around to. julie, her aide, was there too and we were the only ones left so we talked a little. it turns out she just got diagnosed w/ that pms disorder that you actually go on meds for. she said her dr really helped her and the meds helped a lot too. she said she feels more stable and balanced and isn't prone to crying every day now. :( i'm glad she got her help. she's a nice woman and i'm glad i talked to them a little bit. i wasn't going to even mention what was wrong, but hell they are moms too.. so why not? and now i'm glad i did. w/ each person that just says one supporting thing to me... it helps an amazing amount.

i got gretchen's official invite to new orleans today and i'm even more excited now. (this was my first time making a link like that, putting the name in, so if it doesn't work or i screwed up, i will have to be forgiven!) i just wish it wasn't so far away, june. that is a long time to go but i can wait. :) it will be worth it to finally get to hang out w/ g, shannon, tree, and melea. not to mention whoever else comes. and not to mention the fact that by then, i will be even more ready to get away. i was afraid i wouldn't be able to go, for a long time, because of ryan. but now i know its okay. he is the one telling me to try and see if any of those girls can get together one weekend. and considering my current mental state, i don't think he's going to say, you can't go. i would cry. ha. but seriously, i am glad that i'm finally starting to have some comfort in knowing i am going to be able to do more. i guess i just need to get ME figured out first before i can be of any good to anyone at all.

i have also been talking to amanda more. she now knows how i am feeling and all the things going on inside of me. it feels good that she knows. i hope things will be okay w/ us. before i questioned if we would make it, but now i know we will. we have talked a lot about it recently and i'm glad. we needed to. i hope she is seeing the light about leah as well. that she has some quirks that, well, aren't quite good quirks. :O i still feel like i should feel more about the end of our friendship (mine and leahs) but i don't. its like i'm numb and immune to it and could really just care less anymore about her or what she thinks of me. she can try to "tell" what happened to every person all over our pen pal planet, but i am quite comfortable in my opinion that people are a bit wary of her and will take what she says w/a grain of salt. besides, anyone who even cares enough will come back and ask me about it anyways.

so, those few things have lifted my spirits some today and i'm glad. plus its the end of the day and i know that soon, i will be fixing some chow, giving the kids baths, and putting them to bed. ahhhh, MEEEEEEE time. :) but see... i can stop typing for a few minutes, like i just did after that last sentence and one thought leads to another to another and suddenly i am unhappy again. it comes and goes as quickly as that but its more than being moody or depressed even. i can't even try to explain it. when i was talking to ryan about it, i felt like i said "i don't know" a lot because i DON'T know a lot of the answers, even ones about how i feel.