What Cheryl Has To Say

apiscesgirl

2003-02-05 : 11:27 a.m.

today is just one of those days where i am NOT handling things very well. its funny how i can be doing so fine and think i'm on my way to having a good day when things just fall apart. and for no real reason *i* fall apart too. it is just so much easier to be happy and act like i don't feel this way. i have been talking to a few other moms about post partum depression. some had had it and some hadn't. they all really recommended i go to my dr - one of them didn't and said she knows she would have had such an easier time getting past it if she had gone and just gotten on some meds for awhile. i am just SO depressed and ya know what? i really hate the person that i am today. and that is not like me. i know my faults and the things that are bad about me or things i don't like and either try to change them or i accept them. while i am not overly self assured or anything, i am "okay" enough w/myself that i don't dwell on things. i am just now finally able to admit to myself that i am not emotionally/mentally secure right now and that i haven't been for awhile. i am focused totally on my life and my family and the negative aspects of it and it leads me to resent them more and more each day and I CAN'T DO THAT. i'm a wife and mom. i cried and cried a little while ago, for no real reason other than i felt like it and it was damn good stress relief. and the kids do not understand, what is wrong w/ mommy??? kyle kept coming in the bathroom and telling me he loved me and that it will be ok. my response was i love you too but it won't be okay and i miss daddy and want him to come home cause rightnow....i need him right here. i almost called him, too, but didn't. if he could've heard me and me saying all the things i was thinking and wanted to say to him... he'd have hopped in the car and came right home. and he's working. i can't do that. as cher said in clueless... i am going down a shame spiral, only my spiral is a depression spiral and it makes no sense to me at all. it gets out of control each day. i'm scared of all these bad/depressed feelings going through me these days. i'm not used to feeling this way. the weather is a big part. we're all stuck in this house all day every day and if we go out, we have to bundle up and brave the cold and wind and who wants to do that just to go out and play? it takes me longer to get the kids layered and ready to go out than they actually spend outside. its not worth it. i want to go out and feel some warmth and for the kids to be able to release some of that energy outside. i want to stop having these bad feelings about my kids and being a mom and to just be happy w/ my life again. to accept it and live in it as it is. you can either be happy w/ what you have or be constantly unhappy looking at the other side and i know that. i don't even WANT to go to the other side. i LOVE my family and would trade my life w/o even thinking for one of them. i know that these feelings are not me and i know i've had them since spencer was born and they have gotten continually worse. suddenly things have just hit me lately and i don't know why... winter blahs... things getting bad w/ryan again... and now he is making an effort and trying to make things better and all i can do is be depressed and feel lousy about myself and how i feel. i feel guilty every time i look at my kids.

god i hope no one reads this. i have very good friends who i know care and would always listen, but you can only whine pathetically about yourself for so long before people will get sick of you.

i painted my toe nails yesterday. i haven't done that since spencer was born practically. i forgot what a wonderful thing that was. funny how one thing that is so small like that can matter. i felt beautiful and good again for about 20 minutes.

sometimes i want to walk out the door and not ever come back. and that right there is what officially makes me a shitty person and a shitty mother.