on sunday, kyle woke up at 6am and had peed in his bed. i know that he is just 4 and just started wearing the undies to bed and is doing SO GOOD at it... but this was a sunday morning and by a MIRACLE, the other kids were still asleep. that was the first morning i'd still been in bed at 6am in weeks. so what did i do? i get mad at him and get irritated. i know that was a normal "i'm still half asleep and really tired" reaction, but he's FOUR. and i have been SO PROUD of him for how well he's doing at night w/ wearing underwear. and i get mad at him for his first mistake. i cuddled w/ him on the couch after and told him i was sorry... i felt like a bad mom and i asked him if he thought i was a bad mommy. he said, sometimes, but i still love you anyway. i almost CRIED and he knew it. he patted my hand and said, its ok mommy, i said that i love you. which of course in turn made me want to cry MORE. it just showed me how stressed i am. kyle is at an age where he thinks i'm a bad mommy whenever he gets in trouble though (because its usually rightfully so!!) this has just been sticking in my head since then though, making me feel bad. i'm trying to remember it, keep it in my mind, as a lesson on how to NOT act.

it was a good weekend though. ryan and i talked a LOT LOT LOT about lots of important things. he is doing this 100% turnaround thats leaving me looking at him like, where is my husband and what have you done w/ him? :O its ALL GOOD though and i am so grateful... to see him put the actions to his words and MEAN that he will change, for me and us, because he loves me and us... i just hope the changes say. we talked this weekend about how stressed out i am and how isolated i feel. he said i can get a job if i want... its just we have so much to work around... kyle going to preschool now and to kindergarten in the fall and parker starting preschool next fall as well. i'm so picky and would only want a part time job for the right schedule. so we'll see what happens. ryan also told me i should call up one of my "friends" (meaning, pen pals) and plan a get together some weekend to just get away from it all. this just blows me away because before, how would that have been allowed? me travelling off and away by my lonesome where he couldn't keep tabs on me and what he "thought" i was doing?! so i literally almost peed when he said that. it relieves me though, because that IS what i need. if only we weren't broke right now i would try to arrange something to hook up w/ someone for a few days. i will just look forward to june and going to pcb and new orleans though. it is enough to know i will be going there and can finally MEET and give a big HUG to my closest friends. :)

ok, that is it for right now. i have more to say and hope to write again later. i tried to write all day yesterday though and ended up talking to my girls too much. :O i keep forgetting i need to deal w/ the mortgage company and ryans family today too. i don't need this crap.