What Cheryl Has To Say

apiscesgirl

2003-01-30 : 11:56 p.m.

so i am making a second entry today. i just had to have myself take notice of that. but i am up and thinking so i thought i'd write before i got into bed. i had an email from amanda and she mentioned leah and the thing that happened. so now i am just thinking about that. i don't let on, but i do feel bad and guilty about what happened. the basic facts of it are that i ran my mouth about the people who were some of my closest friends. but then of course *magically* that email got out and into their 3 inboxes. oh yeah. but i DO know how that happened whether anyone realizes that. someday it will get owned up to because it was SHITTY to say the least. but to feeling guilty... i feel guilty because i WAS a bad friend, in that i vented my frustrations (just in a running my mouth form) to other friends when i should have just said to them, hey this is how it is. something has changed. and what then? hurt feelings and a can of worms all over ME for my wonderful honesty had i done that... see?? so. i can't win. i find that in every single situation these days, pretty much. i don't want the people i care about to look at that situation now and say, i see why they get so mad, is she going to do that to me? because i WOULDN'T. i hope i know these girls forever.

i am still talking to drew but barely. i care but i don't care. my heart isn't into that friendship anymore really. i'm not being mean, just honest. a lot of parts of me feel like they've lost a lot of feeling somehow and its easy to be colder about things. amanda and i are going to be okay, i think. part of me wonders why she got so forgiving when leah has me on her hate list for sure. not that i care about that. when i think... i just boil. :O idoidoidoiDO... i want the i'm so high and mighty and YOU were the only shitty friend act to be gone and everything to be accounted for. whhhoooooooo she's even mad/jealous/upset that amanda and i are in touch. please. WHY do we want to be in 3rd grade again?

i know what happened now. baby #3 last summer is what happened. a LOT of things became less important to me and i can't even pretend to go along w/ the trivial. i had been building up resentment towards her for how she acted for awhile apparently... since i hadn't been around in so long and had been so busy, i figured i had gotten teamed up upon and amanda just felt the same ... which i shouldn't have done so much assuming again, but i had a million reasons TO assume so. i know we both have to be wondering if we can trust each other though. i hope that we can. and again i am a freak because my friends are NOT here.

i'm starting to think about getting a job. i have to get out of this house.

i am so good at rambling.

i bet i just confused the hell out of a stranger. :O