i am so tired. i cannot handle getting up at 5:30 everysinglemorning anymore. i need a break from it. maybe i am so tired because i need to get off this computer and get in bed. ha.

i was so excited to see that cats77 (did i do that right??) mentioned me and the package i sent her, and the fact that she was going to start pen palling again. so she has inspired me to talk about my pen palling here. it seems so old fashioned and just plain ODD of me to say i have pen pals. in this day and age, i'm sure that many people have online friends and don't call them pen pals. i have such mixed feelings about my penpalling. i am such a loser for it, because i don't have those sorts of friends here. why is it that my closest friends live away? it makes me feel like something is wrong w/ me sometimes. i am social, i like to be w/ people.... i don't understand it really. yet i look at these friends i have made, and i KNOW i have made some of the truest friends i will ever have. i am more of myself w/ them than anyone else really, and that is sad, considering i have parents, a husband, children... i don't know what i'd do if i didn't have people to talk to and tell things too.

it doesn't help me any that ryan doesn't like it all. that he thinks is baaad, another way for me to do all that supposed "cheating" i have done on him... i am doing it this way too. when really what i'm doing is the most harmless thing ever. its stupid and trivial to him when i need him to see its importance to me and to accept it and to be proud of me for it, for the creativity i use and for everything i put into it.

i let his feelings about MY things cloud my own feelings too much and i need to stop doing that.